At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
