I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
