it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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