If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
