I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I enjoy the company of your penis
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