Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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