I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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