your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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