Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome