Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
