sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
