Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
