I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
