mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
