Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
