I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
