"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
