You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
