I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
