im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
