Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
