ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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