Im at strip club and am horny
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize