Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
