Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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