You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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