After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
