I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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