what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
then he tried to convert me to islam
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
