My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
