oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
