I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
