Your face is a jimmy john
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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