mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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