I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
