Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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