everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Randomize
