Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
