my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
