you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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