yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
