apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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