they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
