Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
