He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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