I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
