i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
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