Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
