So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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