god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
