you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
