So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
