party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
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I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.