Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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