Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
