I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
