Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
