Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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