either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
