So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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