I want to make a zoo with you.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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