47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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