So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
